Today I will talk about a hurt. A hurt that I have refrained from speaking about, though its been uppermost in my mind. A while back someone walked into my life. Someone , Lets call her K. The person was hurt and scarred. Angry with the world and disappointed with its ways. Lonely and lost! Or at least that is what it seemed to me!
Now I’ve lived a tough childhood. Lonely and lost! I gained my life when a few kind souls extended their hands in friendship to me. I know the power of friendship, the strength of positive relationships, the beauty of having someone to just talk with. I know the difference the small gestures can make, to a troubled person’s life.
I also know how few people make those gesture. How few of them reach out. How difficult it is to find someone who will walk that extra step and show concern. Most people when faced with a person who’s having a difficult time just avert their eyes and move on with their lives. Unwilling or hesitant to reach out.
Anyway, having experienced it first hand, I try to reach out. I am comfortable asking people how they are really feeling and whether everything is okay in their lives? I did the same with K and was bestowed with K’s trust. I took K under my wing, so to speak. Over time it became usual for us to converse about all matters – personal, career and family. With time I began to consider K as a close friend., who would be a part of my family and our lives for years to come.
But this was not to be. For reasons still not known to me K began to first worry about me and then doubt me. Nothing I said or did was right anymore. Everything I did was looked upon, with suspicion. I was accused of everything from a bad family background, to low morals to alleged attempt to sabotage K‘s career.
I had an idea that K had a troubled past. That there had been people there who had done K wrong. Now I began to doubt whether that was entirely true. Maybe, those ‘wrongs and hurts’ were imagined and created too. In which case, I reasoned, I should stand by K even more. A disturbed person needs even more support and can be pardoned more indiscretions.
I tried hard to explain, to K, that none of the accusations were true. Some of the allegations were so outlandish, they did not even make practical sense. I tried to reason that none of the accusations had any base and seemed more like figments of imagination of a troubled mind than anything real. I fought hard to clear K‘s doubts. Very hard to save our friendship. Very hard to hold on.
Sometimes people are their own worst enemies. Sometimes behaviors are self-destructive. And while one knows its best to move away after a point it’s very difficult to move away and stand as a bystander when someone you care about is destroying their lives. Literally banging their head against the wall. My family and friends tried to console me. Explaining, that by saying the stuff that K was saying. K was ruining her own reputation rather than mine. I suppose that was meant to comfort me. But it only made matters worse for me. Cause the idea of K ruining her reputation was in no way soothing. Actually, it was even more disconcerting!
No matter how hard I tried, K‘s doubts wouldn’t go. No matter how much I clarified, newer and even more outlandish allegations were pushed on me. K was going underwater and if I held on any longer I would be pulled in too. And along with me, my wonderful family. I had to stop. I had to wrench myself away. I had to make a break.
It was one of the most difficult thing I have done in my adult life. There are many times I still wonder if there was anything more I could have done? Any other way I could have helped? Where had I gone wrong?
The answers elude me.
But this much I know. Everyday I send out a silent prayer. A prayer for K. I imagine that prayer engulfing K, shielding K like an armor. Providing strength, healing hurts (imagined or otherwise) and bestowing a feeling of well-being.
Somewhere in my heart I have a vague hope that someday K will wake up and realize the truth about me. Someday I will be a friend again! But I also have the nagging doubt, that it may just be a fanciful wish of a hopeless idealist!
In which case Goodbye K! Goodbye and God bless!
I could never be your enemy. Only wish you’d let me continue to be a friend!
Have you ever had to let go of a friend? Why? Was it a little bit difficult/ very difficult/ torturous?