A hole in my heart

Yesterday, I plugged a hole in my heart that I didn’t realize existed. Or at least that I didn’t realize ‘still existed’.

As a painfully  shy girl in a hostel full of happy boisterous girls I had only a few friends. D was one of the closest. We were inseparable. Sharing the complexities of our ten-year old worlds with each other. For some reason, I hardly remember now,  we fell apart. All attempts at reconciliations failed. After we graduated from high school, and moved our separate ways our paths never crossed.

Till yesterday!

I caught a glimpse of her in a crowded place. Even with the changes that twenty-five years bring, I recognized her instantly. I thought she caught my eye too but I couldn’t be sure. Did she recognize me? Could she still carry the grudge? The reason had been so silly to begin with. But I was in doubt. I was scared of being snubbed. Worse, I was scared of flaring up the antagonism again.

I held back as she disappeared into the crowd.

But the memories flooded my head and my heart. I discovered that even though all the great friends I found and kept through  subsequent years filled my life and my world with love and friendship. D’s space still remained. Unknown even to me, the twelve-year-old girl in me still missed her old ‘best friend’.

Should I go looking for her in the crowd. Where would I find her? What would I say? Had I lost her again? Suddenly, reconnecting with D became crucial. It became important to speak to her. Even if she snubbed me, I had to give it a try.

I scanned the crowds again and caught a glimpse of her. “D”, I called out. With my heart in my mouth. She turned around. This was the moment of reckoning. How would she react?

As D turned, I could see the spark of recognition in her eyes. And then her face broke into a grin.

It wasn’t even awkward. We just jumped into a conversation. We exchanged notes on our adult lives.   And we looked at each other. The way only old friends can. Seeing behind the carefully groomed adult faces the little girls that we once were.

I am not sure what awaits for us in the future. Maybe we will grow to be best friends again. Maybe we will realize that we have grown too differently to be bosom buddies ever again. Who knows? And who cares?

Right now I am just happy that I fixed the hole in my heart. I got closure. And that’s important.

Do you have a friend you’ve fallen out with, never to speak again? Do you think about him/her? If a chance presented itself would you reach out?

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21 Comments Add yours

  1. Shivya says:

    Sapna, even though we’ve never met, I just love you for the kind of person you are. The moment I see your post in my inbox, I know I have to read it. I love the heartfelt emotions in your writing, and the simple but important things you always remind us of. I’m glad you could fix the D hole in your heart, and I hope I find it in me to fix the many in mine 🙂

    1. sooo sweet shivya! ya, I feel that way too. about some of the bloggers I read, like you. Its such a personal thing – writing, and its one of the easiest way to get to know a person. I have one more hole left to fix! Lets see how that goes. See you around and happy fixing 🙂

  2. Ryan says:

    i experienced the same thing just like you. with D also. hope we can get the relationship better in the future.

    1. Same pinch then 🙂 and Good luck to you Ryan

      1. Ryan says:

        hope the best for you too

  3. Oh, this is such a perfectly lovely story. Yes, I have reconnected with old friends after many years sometimes finding the pathways remain intwined and other times, well just finding I healed a wound.

    I hope for the best for both of you.

  4. S Jayanth says:

    True. And I am happy for you! 🙂 ‘Happy fixing’? Bwahahah! 😉
    And yes, many of us have people who once were our best friends. And I for one have one such best friend who has become a stranger now and I am trying my all to get back with him. Hopefully! Thanks for the post, I needed to read it. 🙂

  5. adz25 says:

    I am so happy u called her name out .. Was running through it to see what happened next.. and alas it ended well . hi5 🙂

    1. yes it did turn out well! hi 5 🙂

  6. seefancylove says:

    That’s wonderful you were able to reconnect with an old friend. It’s funny how things in the past that felt like the end all be all at the time and fast forward to present day…and we can’t remember what we were so mad about. It’s great to know that you made an effort regardless if it’s been too long to remain friends or if you’re right where you left off. At least you won’t be wondering…Live & love. xo, Fancy

    1. you’re right ‘fancy’ . I feel good . Its like getting a closure. What happens now is a fresh start 🙂 thanks for stopping by

  7. mahabore says:

    Good for you, ‘closure’ is really important in all our lives.

    I personally am struggling with a 18 old story myself, don’t see that coming to an end anytime soon.

    In any case, feel happy for you.

    Wonderful post…..Jairam

    1. 18!!! Really!!! You better begin on that list soon . I am left with one and I doubt that will happen in my lifetime. But I am an optimist and miracles do happen , Right?

  8. deep says:

    Yes. The same has happened with me. We did not speak for 1 year. After that i tried to reach out to her but it seems she is not very interested. I guess it will again fall out. 😦

    1. That happens too sometimes Deep. But atleast you know you tried and there is some kind of closure. also its been only a year, sometimes it requires more time. Maybe going back after many years could work ?The future is always full of hope and promise 🙂

  9. mohipals says:

    It would be difficult for me…. But will try.

    1. What alphabet hole do you have?

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