Yesterday, I plugged a hole in my heart that I didn’t realize existed. Or at least that I didn’t realize ‘still existed’.
As a painfully shy girl in a hostel full of happy boisterous girls I had only a few friends. D was one of the closest. We were inseparable. Sharing the complexities of our ten-year old worlds with each other. For some reason, I hardly remember now, we fell apart. All attempts at reconciliations failed. After we graduated from high school, and moved our separate ways our paths never crossed.
I caught a glimpse of her in a crowded place. Even with the changes that twenty-five years bring, I recognized her instantly. I thought she caught my eye too but I couldn’t be sure. Did she recognize me? Could she still carry the grudge? The reason had been so silly to begin with. But I was in doubt. I was scared of being snubbed. Worse, I was scared of flaring up the antagonism again.
I held back as she disappeared into the crowd.
But the memories flooded my head and my heart. I discovered that even though all the great friends I found and kept through subsequent years filled my life and my world with love and friendship. D’s space still remained. Unknown even to me, the twelve-year-old girl in me still missed her old ‘best friend’.
Should I go looking for her in the crowd. Where would I find her? What would I say? Had I lost her again? Suddenly, reconnecting with D became crucial. It became important to speak to her. Even if she snubbed me, I had to give it a try.
I scanned the crowds again and caught a glimpse of her. “D”, I called out. With my heart in my mouth. She turned around. This was the moment of reckoning. How would she react?
As D turned, I could see the spark of recognition in her eyes. And then her face broke into a grin.
It wasn’t even awkward. We just jumped into a conversation. We exchanged notes on our adult lives. And we looked at each other. The way only old friends can. Seeing behind the carefully groomed adult faces the little girls that we once were.
I am not sure what awaits for us in the future. Maybe we will grow to be best friends again. Maybe we will realize that we have grown too differently to be bosom buddies ever again. Who knows? And who cares?
Right now I am just happy that I fixed the D hole in my heart. I got closure. And that’s important.
Do you have a friend you’ve fallen out with, never to speak again? Do you think about him/her? If a chance presented itself would you reach out?